I Wish I Had Known

I've been searching for thr "right" career for decades. I was never able to go more than about 18 months with a promotion or change of pace without becoming restless. If a job lasted five years, that was a big deal!

I am smart and I'm able to communicate effectively with people, so I was often moved into management positions. Those all collapsed at one point or another. Once a manic episode hit, I could never manage to keep it all together. That was usually about the time the job ended, too. Of course,  I knew nothing about bipolar at the time, nor that my brain was operating under a different OS than normal people.

If I had only known then what I know now. Would things be different? Would I be able to be more of a success and a better provider for my family? I can only guess. My mental health professional tells me not to dwell on these thoughts, but it's hard. I see or hear about others who are more successful and I ask myself why I couldn't be in their shoe . I know the answer. My brain doesn't work the same way as others. If I had only know that decades ago.

I wouldn't have considered the Army a potential career.

I would have known sales weren't for me.

I would have never accepted any management positions, ever.

I would have never tried to be a manager in a factory environment.

I would have never considered working for myself, by myself, at home.

I would have sought help a long, long time ago.

But we don't live in the past, do we?

I still dream of being more successful, able to provide more for my family. The difference is that today I know the truth. Today I know I'm sick and that I have a lifelong mental health condition. Today, I can't be productive or rational without my meds. Today, I have to live one day at a time.

I just wish I had known all of this a lot sooner in life.