I'm losing it.
I'm on my meds.
I can't take this.
My racing thoughts include bad ones tonight.
I can't control my brain.
Emotions are gone, really.
I just feel numb.
I don't want to be numb any more.
I don't want to feel powerless any more.
I don't want to be ignored by every one any more.
I'm so very tired of fighting this.
I don't know if I can take this any more.
bipolar sucks
i can't win
not allowed to lose
caught in between
so confused
where do i go from here
up or down
there's no way around
there is no life for me
this is the way it was meant to be
call it fate or destiny
my choices were set a long time ago
if it was up to me i would never have been born
the world would be a better place
and i wouldn't have passed this shit down to my kids
that's the most depressing thought of all
sorry guys
i fucked it up
Monday, October 28, 2019
Thursday, October 24, 2019
What is Bipolar Disorder?
To the layperson, what does that actually mean? Well, there are several types of "bipolar" that include bipolar 1 disorder, bipolar 2 disorder, and cyclothymic disorder. Some cases are more severe than others, even within these categories. Let's take a look at each one and I'll share my personal thoughts as well as the actual definitions and symptoms that can lead to a diagnosis.
Bipolar I disorder is a manic-depressive disorder that can exist both with and without psychotic episodes.
Bipolar II disorder consists of depressive and manic episodes which alternate and are typically less severe [than bipolar I] and do not inhibit function.
Cyclothymic disorder is a cyclic disorder that causes brief episodes of hypomania and depression.
In any type of bipolar you'll find discussion of hypomania, mania, or manic episodes as well as depression episodes. These aren't just your average up and down feelings that everyone gets from time to time in dealing with everyday life events and surroundings. For the sufferer of bipolar disorders, it is something that isn't necessarily related to life events or surroundings, but can appear and disappear at any time for no reason. So let's define these terms going forward, so we're all on the same page.
Mania - An elevated, expansive, or irritable mood that lasts for at least one week and is present most of the day, nearly every day. During this period, three or more of the following symptoms must be present and represent a significant change from usual behavior:
- Inflated self-esteem or grandiosity
- Decreased need for sleep
- Increased talkativeness
- Racing thoughts
- Distracted easily
- Increase in goal-directed activity or psychomotor agitation
- Engaging in activities that hold the potential for painful consequences, e.g., unrestrained buying sprees
Hypomania - An elevated, expansive, or irritable mood that lasts at least four consecutive days and is present most of the day, almost every day. Same symptom requirements as mania.
Depression - A major depressive episode resulting in depressed mood or loss of interest or pleasure in life. The DSM-5 states that a person must experience five or more of the following symptoms in two weeks to be diagnosed with a major depressive episode:
- Depressed mood most of the day, nearly every day
- Loss of interest or pleasure in all, or almost all, activities
- Significant weight loss or decrease or increase in appetite
- Engaging in purposeless movements, such as pacing the room
- Fatigue or loss of energy
- Feelings of worthlessness or guilt
- Diminished ability to think or concentrate, or indecisiveness
- Recurrent thoughts of death, recurrent suicidal ideation without a specific plan, or a suicide attempt
Initially, I was diagnosed with manilla vanilla depression. I was put on Wellbutrin and Celexa. It seemed to improve a little and I continued this regimen for a year or so. After going on and off again, my primary physician finally referred me to a psychiatric professional for further evaluation. It was during this evaluation that I was diagnosed with Bipolar II. It seemed apparent after reviewing my history that I had more than one manic (hypomanic?) episode in my lifetime up to that point (this was 5+ years ago).
Then, at some point either last fall or early this year (2019), my latest psychiatric nurse practitioner changed my diagnosis to bipolar I, apparently based on the severity of my manic and depressive episodes. He also used a term recently that I had never heard before, calling me a "brittle bipolar." I'll leave that one for discussion on a later blog post.
So, suffice it to say that psychiatry professionals don't always get the diagnosis right on the first try (is it right now?). Regular medical doctors should be given all the facts about your situation to see if they feel like a referral for a psychiatric evaluation would be beneficial. If you're new to mental health issues and you're really looking for help, then don't leave anything out. You might be surprised how some seemingly insignificant detail could be the trigger for further evaluation or a diagnosis.
Mental health gets demonized a lot in our society. Bipolar comes out pretty much toward the top of the list, along with only a few others, such as schizophrenia and multiple personality disorders. For example, I love the show, "X-Files." It's one of my favorite sci-fi shows. However, after my diagnosis, I began to see a trend I had not really noticed before. In many episodes, people with suspected aberrant behavior are stated to be taking anti-psychotic medications and / or being stated as having bipolar disorder. In all of these cases, the character is described as "crazy," "unpredictable," "violent," etc. You get the point. It was a little disheartening to see in one of my favorite shows (granted this was from the 1990s), but it made me realize just how the public in general views bipolar disorders.
Well, there you have it in a nutshell. What bipolar disorder is all about. Definitions and symptoms straight from the big book of psychiatry, along with my personal journey through the diagnosis and observations along the way. I hope this has been of some help to you in your own journey. If it has, drop me a comment below and let me know!
(NOTE: I am NOT a psychiatrist or doctor of any kind. The information provided here is NOT meant to help diagnose or treat any disease or mental illness. I'm only sharing information for informational purposes only. Any concerns you might have should be addressed with your own doctor or psychiatric professional.)
Tuesday, October 22, 2019
Fade to Black
Life it seems to fade away
Drifting further every day
Getting lost within myself
Nothing matters no one else
I have lost the will to live
Simply nothing more to give
There is nothing more for me
Need the end to set me free
Drifting further every day
Getting lost within myself
Nothing matters no one else
I have lost the will to live
Simply nothing more to give
There is nothing more for me
Need the end to set me free
Things not what they used to be
Missing one inside of me
Deathly loss this can't be real
Cannot stand this hell I feel
Emptiness is filling me
To the point of agony
Growing darkness taking dawn
I was me but now, he's gone
Missing one inside of me
Deathly loss this can't be real
Cannot stand this hell I feel
Emptiness is filling me
To the point of agony
Growing darkness taking dawn
I was me but now, he's gone
No one but me can save myself, but its too late
Now I can't think, think why I should even try
Now I can't think, think why I should even try
Sunday, October 20, 2019
Can I really do it? The answer is "no," and that sucks.
As children, we are told that we can become anything we want to be if we just set our mind to it and put in the work. This is somewhat akin to telling people of faith that if they just believe hard enough that their god will heal them of whatever debilitating disease they are experiencing. When the "miracle" they are expecting doesn't come to fruition, they are told they didn't believe strong enough. Whatever the issues are, they always lie with the person trying to attain the goal.
What nobody will tell you as a child is that if you have a mental deficiency of any kind, you will most likely never be able to achieve your lofty goals. The most you might be able to achieve in your life will be normalcy, and you should be happy with that. Yep, that's it. Don't think about what could have been. Just be happy being average. Normal. Nothing special.
Even the great salesman, motivator, author, and speaker Earl Nightingale realized this when recording one of his albums. He knew there was a danger in telling literally everyone that the sky was the limit, because some were simply unable to achieve the success he encouraged.
"Some people ask, "you say that we become what we think about. But what about people who choose dreams much too large for their inherent capacities?" Well, discounting serious neurosis or outright psychosis, it has been my experience ... we tend to underestimate ourselves." (from 'Looking for The Secret of Success,' by Earl Nightingale)
When I got to that part, I stopped the soundtrack. There is was, from the master motivator himself. The cold, hard truth. Not everyone can achieve lofty goals. And the ones who are inherently unable to make these goals? Those with serious mental illness. Welcome to the loser club, my friend.
What nobody will tell you as a child is that if you have a mental deficiency of any kind, you will most likely never be able to achieve your lofty goals. The most you might be able to achieve in your life will be normalcy, and you should be happy with that. Yep, that's it. Don't think about what could have been. Just be happy being average. Normal. Nothing special.
Even the great salesman, motivator, author, and speaker Earl Nightingale realized this when recording one of his albums. He knew there was a danger in telling literally everyone that the sky was the limit, because some were simply unable to achieve the success he encouraged.
"Some people ask, "you say that we become what we think about. But what about people who choose dreams much too large for their inherent capacities?" Well, discounting serious neurosis or outright psychosis, it has been my experience ... we tend to underestimate ourselves." (from 'Looking for The Secret of Success,' by Earl Nightingale)
When I got to that part, I stopped the soundtrack. There is was, from the master motivator himself. The cold, hard truth. Not everyone can achieve lofty goals. And the ones who are inherently unable to make these goals? Those with serious mental illness. Welcome to the loser club, my friend.
Mental Health, Genetics, and DNA
My wife and I both have mental health issues. When we first met 23 years ago, neither of us were aware of our mental health problems. She had seen a counselor back during her school years, but it was because of a broken home and being moved back and forth between her mom and dad. Just like in many other cases, it led to acting out. In her case, this meant stealing change from the family. Did it help? Well, she doesn't steal anything today, but I'm not sure the counseling had anything to do with it.
For me, I had no idea. I was raised in a strict fundamentalist Christian environment. Mental health issues were commonly attributed to demonic influences. If you had a severe enough mental health problem, you obviously needed an exorcism (today they are calling it something else, but I can't recall at the moment - another side effect of my fabulous medication list). Yes, there are protestant denominations that still believe in "casting out demons."
Although I began to wonder if there wasn't something wrong when I was in my early 20s, it wasn't until my late 30s that I got my first diagnosis and Rx for depression. I would go on with that diagnosis for quite a few years before an actual professional in the psychiatric field would diagnose me with a bipolar 2 and a dual diagnosis (that means addiction issues in addition to mental health, not because of mental health issues). Years later, after going through a cocktail of medications, I was diagnosed by yet another professional, this time with Bipolar 1.
Now, when my wife and I married and decided to have children, neither one of us knew about our mental problems. Not really. As the kids have gotten older, it has become apparent that some of our mental health issues have been passed down to the kids. It's a depressing thought to think that I've passed down any of these genes to my children and possibly limiting what they can do in this life because of my own defective DNA.
With just one parent having a mental health issue, the odds are something like 25% that one of your children will have a mental health problem. With both parents having mental health problems, the odds go up significantly, to around 50%. With four children, that means that two are likely to have mental health issues. That doesn't mean it will stop there. It is possible that all four could inherit the genetic cues to give them a predisposition to a mental health issue.
I think the other part of this is contributable to the environment in which we are raised. My strict fundamental Christian upbringing led to being taught many delusions that I absorbed as truth. It took decades for me to work out what truth really is and what was not true. I'm not talking about psychosis, hallucinations, or reality, but rather the indoctrination from a super-religious environment. But being free from this (and sometimes it still comes back to haunt me) did not eliminate my mental illness. I wish I could be free. Instead, it looks like I've contributed to my kids' mental health problems, both in a genetic way as well as environmentally.
I honestly wish that someone had diagnosed me before I ever had kids and explained to me until I could understand the consequences and potential issues beforehand. While I don't regret my actions, and I am proud and love every one of my children, part of me wishes I could have spared them a life of mental health issues. The signs are everywhere. Our oldest son had his first diagnosis with mental health at the age of 12 or 13. The next in line, a daughter, had her first bout with mental illness at the age of 14. The third child, also a girl, already has a diagnosis at 13. While some people may think that the diagnosis of a mental health problem at such early ages is a symptom of our society's overreaction and push by pharmaceutical companies, they would be wrong. You would have to see it and experience it first-hand to truly understand.
I've rambled on long enough. My main point is that genetics, our DNA, as well as the environment in which we are raised, all have an influence on our mental health. Once we discover it, what should we do? Don't we have a responsibility to avoid procreation, if we haven't had kids already? I guess it depends on your diagnosis, but with bipolar disorder or the hell that comes from other severe mental health issues, I can guarantee you wouldn't wish this on your children. If only I had known. They deserve so much more than this type of life. I know it's manageable. I know you can still be productive. But why make it so much harder? And to know that this doesn't go away, it is hard. There is no exorcising the demons. No screwing a hole in your head for them to escape. These "demons" are with you for life.
I wish my kids could have a better life than me. Is that so wrong? Isn't that the wish of every parent?
For me, I had no idea. I was raised in a strict fundamentalist Christian environment. Mental health issues were commonly attributed to demonic influences. If you had a severe enough mental health problem, you obviously needed an exorcism (today they are calling it something else, but I can't recall at the moment - another side effect of my fabulous medication list). Yes, there are protestant denominations that still believe in "casting out demons."
Although I began to wonder if there wasn't something wrong when I was in my early 20s, it wasn't until my late 30s that I got my first diagnosis and Rx for depression. I would go on with that diagnosis for quite a few years before an actual professional in the psychiatric field would diagnose me with a bipolar 2 and a dual diagnosis (that means addiction issues in addition to mental health, not because of mental health issues). Years later, after going through a cocktail of medications, I was diagnosed by yet another professional, this time with Bipolar 1.
Now, when my wife and I married and decided to have children, neither one of us knew about our mental problems. Not really. As the kids have gotten older, it has become apparent that some of our mental health issues have been passed down to the kids. It's a depressing thought to think that I've passed down any of these genes to my children and possibly limiting what they can do in this life because of my own defective DNA.
With just one parent having a mental health issue, the odds are something like 25% that one of your children will have a mental health problem. With both parents having mental health problems, the odds go up significantly, to around 50%. With four children, that means that two are likely to have mental health issues. That doesn't mean it will stop there. It is possible that all four could inherit the genetic cues to give them a predisposition to a mental health issue.
I think the other part of this is contributable to the environment in which we are raised. My strict fundamental Christian upbringing led to being taught many delusions that I absorbed as truth. It took decades for me to work out what truth really is and what was not true. I'm not talking about psychosis, hallucinations, or reality, but rather the indoctrination from a super-religious environment. But being free from this (and sometimes it still comes back to haunt me) did not eliminate my mental illness. I wish I could be free. Instead, it looks like I've contributed to my kids' mental health problems, both in a genetic way as well as environmentally.
I honestly wish that someone had diagnosed me before I ever had kids and explained to me until I could understand the consequences and potential issues beforehand. While I don't regret my actions, and I am proud and love every one of my children, part of me wishes I could have spared them a life of mental health issues. The signs are everywhere. Our oldest son had his first diagnosis with mental health at the age of 12 or 13. The next in line, a daughter, had her first bout with mental illness at the age of 14. The third child, also a girl, already has a diagnosis at 13. While some people may think that the diagnosis of a mental health problem at such early ages is a symptom of our society's overreaction and push by pharmaceutical companies, they would be wrong. You would have to see it and experience it first-hand to truly understand.
I've rambled on long enough. My main point is that genetics, our DNA, as well as the environment in which we are raised, all have an influence on our mental health. Once we discover it, what should we do? Don't we have a responsibility to avoid procreation, if we haven't had kids already? I guess it depends on your diagnosis, but with bipolar disorder or the hell that comes from other severe mental health issues, I can guarantee you wouldn't wish this on your children. If only I had known. They deserve so much more than this type of life. I know it's manageable. I know you can still be productive. But why make it so much harder? And to know that this doesn't go away, it is hard. There is no exorcising the demons. No screwing a hole in your head for them to escape. These "demons" are with you for life.
I wish my kids could have a better life than me. Is that so wrong? Isn't that the wish of every parent?
Friday, October 18, 2019
Mad World
All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere
Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head, I want to drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere
Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head, I want to drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow
And I find it kinda funny, I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take
When people run in circles it's a very very
Mad world, mad world
The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take
When people run in circles it's a very very
Mad world, mad world
Children waiting for the day, they feel good
Happy birthday, happy birthday
Made to feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen, sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me, no one knew me
Hello teacher, tell me what's my lesson
Look right through me, look right through me
Happy birthday, happy birthday
Made to feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen, sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me, no one knew me
Hello teacher, tell me what's my lesson
Look right through me, look right through me
And I find it kinda funny, I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take
When people run in circles it's a very very
Mad world, mad world
Enlarge your world
Mad world
The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take
When people run in circles it's a very very
Mad world, mad world
Enlarge your world
Mad world
Tuesday, October 8, 2019
I Wish I Had Known
I've been searching for thr "right" career for decades. I was never able to go more than about 18 months with a promotion or change of pace without becoming restless. If a job lasted five years, that was a big deal!
I am smart and I'm able to communicate effectively with people, so I was often moved into management positions. Those all collapsed at one point or another. Once a manic episode hit, I could never manage to keep it all together. That was usually about the time the job ended, too. Of course, I knew nothing about bipolar at the time, nor that my brain was operating under a different OS than normal people.
If I had only known then what I know now. Would things be different? Would I be able to be more of a success and a better provider for my family? I can only guess. My mental health professional tells me not to dwell on these thoughts, but it's hard. I see or hear about others who are more successful and I ask myself why I couldn't be in their shoe . I know the answer. My brain doesn't work the same way as others. If I had only know that decades ago.
I wouldn't have considered the Army a potential career.
I would have known sales weren't for me.
I would have never accepted any management positions, ever.
I would have never tried to be a manager in a factory environment.
I would have never considered working for myself, by myself, at home.
I would have sought help a long, long time ago.
But we don't live in the past, do we?
I still dream of being more successful, able to provide more for my family. The difference is that today I know the truth. Today I know I'm sick and that I have a lifelong mental health condition. Today, I can't be productive or rational without my meds. Today, I have to live one day at a time.
I just wish I had known all of this a lot sooner in life.
I am smart and I'm able to communicate effectively with people, so I was often moved into management positions. Those all collapsed at one point or another. Once a manic episode hit, I could never manage to keep it all together. That was usually about the time the job ended, too. Of course, I knew nothing about bipolar at the time, nor that my brain was operating under a different OS than normal people.
If I had only known then what I know now. Would things be different? Would I be able to be more of a success and a better provider for my family? I can only guess. My mental health professional tells me not to dwell on these thoughts, but it's hard. I see or hear about others who are more successful and I ask myself why I couldn't be in their shoe . I know the answer. My brain doesn't work the same way as others. If I had only know that decades ago.
I wouldn't have considered the Army a potential career.
I would have known sales weren't for me.
I would have never accepted any management positions, ever.
I would have never tried to be a manager in a factory environment.
I would have never considered working for myself, by myself, at home.
I would have sought help a long, long time ago.
But we don't live in the past, do we?
I still dream of being more successful, able to provide more for my family. The difference is that today I know the truth. Today I know I'm sick and that I have a lifelong mental health condition. Today, I can't be productive or rational without my meds. Today, I have to live one day at a time.
I just wish I had known all of this a lot sooner in life.
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