The more things change ...

The more things change, the more they stay the same (or worse).

I've been on my new medication (Abilify) for about a week and a half. Thought it was helping but now I'm not so sure. Bad mood swings even when coupled with all my other meds and anxiety medication (taken "as needed" every day).


The doc put me on a small dose to begin with because apparently there's a drug interaction with duloxetine (which I also take) that increases the plasma concentration of Abilify. So, we started out with 1/2 of a 5mg tablet. So goddamn small it reminds me of microdots, lmao.

I recognize that I'm in a bad place right now and that I'm sinking lower and lower, but I seem powerless to stop it. It's like I'm on the outside looking in and I can't turn away from the trainwreck that I know is approaching. Jesus.

I'm approaching my 10yr anniversary of my diabetes diagnosis (in a few days). I don't even know what that means anymore. Living with diabetes is tough. Living with diabetes and depression  / mania is, in and of itself, depressing. Motivation to stay on-diet and take all of my meds including insulin waxes and wanes, dependent on my mood. Some days I'm just ready to throw the insulin and all my pills away and just go back to whatever remains of life before all of this bullshit.

The funk is thick right now.

Can't talk to a counselor, because I don't have one.

My hope is that this blog will act as an instrument of catharsis in lieu of someone to actually talk to. We'll see.

I'm my worst enemy. Aren't we all?