No news is good news, right?

It's been about a week since I've posted anything here. No really big events happening at the moment. Well, that's not 100% true. My oldest daughter has started on Prozac for depression. We'll see how that goes. Her ex-boyfriend is self-harming and his mother doesn't think he needs help. So he's trying to drag her (my daughter) into his world of self-pity and depression. I'm fighting hard to help her keep her head on straight.

Another one bites the dust

As of today, four of the five of us living together are on some type of mental health medication. Now, we're going to send our youngest, 8yo, for an evaluation based on his behavior at school and at home. *sigh*

Like father, like son?

I gave my son a ride today for a mental health evaluation. I have mixed feelings about this. On the one hand, I'm glad he's taking the first step toward getting the help he needs. On the other hand, it's tough when I realize that there is a genetic component to his mental health and that I am partly responsible just from that standpoint. It is what it is, but it's a hard pill to swallow. 

I'm Still Here

Just in case someone reads this blog, I thought I would update it and let everyone know I'm still here. Was in a bit of a dark place last time I posted. Doing okay now, although missing my meds for a day has me a little emo. I'm back on track now and should be fine in 24 to 48 hrs.

Thanks for stopping by.

I don't know if I can take this any more

I'm losing it.
I'm on my meds.
I can't take this.
My racing thoughts include bad ones tonight.
I can't control my brain.
Emotions are gone, really.
I just feel numb.
I don't want to be numb any more.
I don't want to feel powerless any more.
I don't want to be ignored by every one any more.
I'm so very tired of fighting this.

I don't know if I can take this any more.

bipolar sucks
i can't win
not allowed to lose
caught in between
so confused
where do i go from here
up or down
there's no way around
there is no life for me
this is the way it was meant to be
call it fate or destiny
my choices were set a long time ago
if it was up to me i would never have been born
the world would be a better place
and i wouldn't have passed this shit down to my kids
that's the most depressing thought of all

sorry guys
i fucked it up

What is Bipolar Disorder?

According to the American Psychiatric Association’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5), bipolar is defined as "a group of brain disorders that cause extreme fluctuation in a person’s mood, energy, and ability to function."

To the layperson, what does that actually mean? Well, there are several types of "bipolar" that include bipolar 1 disorder, bipolar 2 disorder, and cyclothymic disorder. Some cases are more severe than others, even within these categories. Let's take a look at each one and I'll share my personal thoughts as well as the actual definitions and symptoms that can lead to a diagnosis.

Bipolar I disorder is a manic-depressive disorder that can exist both with and without psychotic episodes.

Bipolar II disorder consists of depressive and manic episodes which alternate and are typically less severe [than bipolar I] and do not inhibit function.

Cyclothymic disorder is a cyclic disorder that causes brief episodes of hypomania and depression.

In any type of bipolar you'll find discussion of hypomania, mania, or manic episodes as well as depression episodes. These aren't just your average up and down feelings that everyone gets from time to time in dealing with everyday life events and surroundings. For the sufferer of bipolar disorders, it is something that isn't necessarily related to life events or surroundings, but can appear and disappear at any time for no reason. So let's define these terms going forward, so we're all on the same page.

Mania - An elevated, expansive, or irritable mood that lasts for at least one week and is present most of the day, nearly every day. During this period, three or more of the following symptoms must be present and represent a significant change from usual behavior:

• Inflated self-esteem or grandiosity
• Decreased need for sleep
• Increased talkativeness
• Racing thoughts
• Distracted easily
• Increase in goal-directed activity or psychomotor agitation
• Engaging in activities that hold the potential for painful consequences, e.g., unrestrained buying sprees

Hypomania - An elevated, expansive, or irritable mood  that lasts at least four consecutive days and is present most of the day, almost every day. Same symptom requirements as mania.

Depression - A major depressive episode resulting in depressed mood or loss of interest or pleasure in life. The DSM-5 states that a person must experience five or more of the following symptoms in two weeks to be diagnosed with a major depressive episode:

• Depressed mood most of the day, nearly every day
• Loss of interest or pleasure in all, or almost all, activities
• Significant weight loss or decrease or increase in appetite
• Engaging in purposeless movements, such as pacing the room
• Fatigue or loss of energy
• Feelings of worthlessness or guilt
• Diminished ability to think or concentrate, or indecisiveness
• Recurrent thoughts of death, recurrent suicidal ideation without a specific plan, or a suicide attempt

Initially, I was diagnosed with manilla vanilla depression. I was put on Wellbutrin and Celexa. It seemed to improve a little and I continued this regimen for a year or so. After going on and off again, my primary physician finally referred me to a psychiatric professional for further evaluation. It was during this evaluation that I was diagnosed with Bipolar II. It seemed apparent after reviewing my history that I had more than one manic (hypomanic?) episode in my lifetime up to that point (this was 5+ years ago). 

Then, at some point either last fall or early this year (2019), my latest psychiatric nurse practitioner changed my diagnosis to bipolar I, apparently based on the severity of my manic and depressive episodes. He also used a term recently that I had never heard before, calling me a "brittle bipolar." I'll leave that one for discussion on a later blog post.

So, suffice it to say that psychiatry professionals don't always get the diagnosis right on the first try (is it right now?). Regular medical doctors should be given all the facts about your situation to see if they feel like a referral for a psychiatric evaluation would be beneficial. If you're new to mental health issues and you're really looking for help, then don't leave anything out. You might be surprised how some seemingly insignificant detail could be the trigger for further evaluation or a diagnosis. 

Mental health gets demonized a lot in our society. Bipolar comes out pretty much toward the top of the list, along with only a few others, such as schizophrenia and multiple personality disorders. For example, I love the show, "X-Files." It's one of my favorite sci-fi shows. However, after my diagnosis, I began to see a trend I had not really noticed before. In many episodes, people with suspected aberrant behavior are stated to be taking anti-psychotic medications and / or being stated as having bipolar disorder. In all of these cases, the character is described as "crazy," "unpredictable," "violent," etc. You get the point. It was a little disheartening to see in one of my favorite shows (granted this was from the 1990s), but it made me realize just how the public in general views bipolar disorders.

Well, there you have it in a nutshell. What bipolar disorder is all about. Definitions and symptoms straight from the big book of psychiatry, along with my personal journey through the diagnosis and observations along the way. I hope this has been of some help to you in your own journey. If it has, drop me a comment below and let me know!

(NOTE: I am NOT a psychiatrist or doctor of any kind. The information provided here is NOT meant to help diagnose or treat any disease or mental illness. I'm only sharing information for informational purposes only. Any concerns you might have should be addressed with your own doctor or psychiatric professional.)

Fade to Black

Life it seems to fade away
Drifting further every day
Getting lost within myself
Nothing matters no one else
I have lost the will to live
Simply nothing more to give
There is nothing more for me
Need the end to set me free

Things not what they used to be
Missing one inside of me
Deathly loss this can't be real
Cannot stand this hell I feel
Emptiness is filling me
To the point of agony
Growing darkness taking dawn
I was me but now, he's gone

No one but me can save myself, but its too late
Now I can't think, think why I should even try

Yesterday seems as though it never existed
Death greets me warm, now I will just say goodbye
Goodbye